


I'm not white

by BloodyFreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, autistic!Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3346340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyFreckles/pseuds/BloodyFreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sixteen year old Castiel is Autistic, but he can still have feelings for his bestfriend Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not white

**Author's Note:**

> I dreamed this. Castiel was Autistic the writing was way better and poetic and Castiel was frustrated because he loved Dean and Dean didn't see him the way he wanted him to. I dedicate this to my thirteen year old brother, who is also Autistic and sadly getting worse everyday. We'll probably always view him as white, as the white Castiel doesn't want to be seen as.

White. Color of purity, innocence and sainthood. It pushes across the blank canvas, back and forth, scribbling. They say I'm all white, nothing but innocence and purity. That's all I'll ever be in their eyes, but I want more. I want reds, blues, greens and blacks, varying degrees of color, varying stages of life I'll never have. I'll never be able to do anything that normal people do. I'll never have a job, I'll never have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I'll never kids, I'll never be back stabbed by a co-worker or cheated on by my wife of ten years. I'll never have any of those things.

I'm white. White. White. White. I'm everything that will never allow these things to happen. I won't go on adventures like people do on tv, even though watching the travel channel on repeat, all day long, should get through to my mother what I'd like to do someday with her aid. I want to visit African wilds, the deserts of Aussie, the forests of South America, back pack through Europe. Eat crazy foreign food that no one will believe I tried and pat me on the back because I'm interesting and wild like the places I visit.

But I'm white. White. White. It'll never happen. 

“Here, Cas. Try Red,” His voice breaks through my thoughts. That's Dean. He sits next to me. On my left. Dean is my only friend. My bestfriend. The only one who stuck by me as I got worse and worse and worse. Dean doesn't look at me in sadness but he sees white too. So I ignore him, because I don't want red. Red will make me angry, because I can't ever truly touch it. 

“Try Red,” Dean murmurs, insisting as I keep scribbling. I have feelings for him. Feelings that are red, blue, green and black. Sometimes my dick gets hard when he's near. Sometimes he his face gets a pretty hue of red and he tells me he's flattered. My mom laughs about it and says at least we know he's only human. 

“Cas, red, white isn't a color,” Dean says again, pushing the crayon into my line of sight.

I still my hand, staring at the waxy lines on the paper. “Dean, Red.” I breathe in and out, three times. I don't want the red crayon but I want to please Dean, so I snatch it up as quickly as I can and start scribbling before my mind can rebel. I see Dean smile out of the corner of my eye, as I draw a crimson vortex, hand circling like a black raven over head and the image won't leave, so I grab the black and start drawing over the red. I want to be as deep and colorful as this because white will never be enough. 

“See, ain't that better?,” Dean asks, still drawing what I know is a dinosaur. I wish I could focus long enough to draw like him. Clean lines, strong features, the dinosaur has sharks for arms and raptors for legs. I laugh suddenly, short and aburpt because it's funny. Dean grins. “What's so funny, Cas?”

I just laugh again. My body rocks back and forth, because Dean makes me happy. “Kiss,” my mouth insists without meaning to. If I could turn off my brain to mouth filter I would, but it can't be stopped. No matter how hard I focus or concentrate. 

“You know I can't do that,” Dean says, looking guilty. Because he sees white. 

“Dean,” I say imploringly, turning to look at him with a curved smile on my lips. “Kiss.”  
“Castiel, not only would your mom kill me but you have no idea what you're asking for,” Dean says, patting me on the shoulder. 

I frown then, because I do know what I'm asking for. I've seen couples kiss on tv, I know it's a basic human condition. I know I'm sixteen and I'll never get to kiss anyone if Dean doesn't kiss me. I place my hands to my temples and hit hard, harder than hard, it hurts so bad but my mind won't let this go. Hands reach out and try to stop me, white hands like my white exterior. “Cas, please. Don't.”

“Kiss, Kiss, Kiss. Dean, kiss, kiss,” I repeat like a broken record to my ears, breathing harshly because I have to have it and I'm embarrassing myself. I wish I wouldn't act like this way but it can't be helped. It's a roaring tic that won't go away.

Dean holds my hands down, he breathes in and out as he tries to keep himself under control. “Come on, breathe in and out.”

“KISS!,” I screech, tears springing to my eyes. I wish I could say something different, like please or just a little one. 

There's tears in Dean's eyes, and he swallows. “Okay, just hold still and we'll kiss.”

My breathing is shallow, but he knows I understand what he said. He wipes my wet face off with the sleeve of his shirt and then his own. “Stay really still and yeah...,” Dean says awkwardly as he leans forward and presses his lips against my own. At first nothing happens, but then his tongue is licking across the seam of my lips. Protruding inward, at first I'm confused but I see my mom kiss her boyfriend like this all the time. 

So I open my mouth, then close it and get with the program. It's all instinct, and kinda weird but it feels good. Dean cups the side of my face, and it's more of a chaste kiss than an entirely heated one, but I smile, pulling back and whispering. “Dean.” 

“That okay?,” Dean whispers back, smiling.

I sniff a few times, and all I can say is. “Dean.” 

Today I'm not white. Today, I'm red, blue, green and black. 

At least for as long as a kiss.


End file.
